Hangin' on Posco Pier!
WASHINGTON—President Donald H. Trump announced today that the Independence Day holiday would move earlier so that it can be the “number one day” in July. “My whole life has been about being the best, number one, the best. Not the fourth,” the president said. “The fourth is for losers. America’s birthday shouldn’t be number two, […]
FORT BRAGG, NC—In what is both breaking news and a depressingly familiar twist of fate, your upcoming weekend has been cancelled because Army, numerous sources report. Mass text messages conveying the bad news alerted everyone in your unit that there would be a recall formation Saturday morning at 0600, presumably for no particular reason other […]
ARLINGTON, Va.—The builder for a revolutionary Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency (DARPA) contract announced Monday that it has successfully produced a new type of fully autonomous grass that yells at anyone who walks on it. “The Autonomous Shouting Sod System is the result of six years of research and development,” announced Darrel Hoffstetter, president of […]
Everyone knows that the lieutenant gets really motivated and delirious every time he “leads” morning PT. But can you tell the difference between 1980s heavy metal lyrics and things he’s said when the platoon is about to step off on a run? Take the quiz and find out! 1. Courage, men! Courage! 2. Run to […]
WASHINGTON—Moments after counseling a junior sailor about an ill-informed car purchase, newly promoted Rear Adm. (lower half) Richard Limping purchased a $500 million warship with a 32 percent interest rate loan. Sources say Limping made the purchase after he found out what a “sweet hookup” he could get from Gary at the ship dealership. “Gary […]
BAHRAIN, Bahraq—Sources close to the Pentagon say a U.S. unmanned aerial vehicle shot down by Iran on Thursday had penetrated deep into Iranian airspace. While the U.S. Navy claims the RQ-4A Global Hawk was in international airspace, multiple sources with knowledge of the incident say the UAV had thrust so far into the country that […]
TEHRAN—Iranian merchant and torrent movie DVD burner Farhad Khadem has ordered new inventory in the event of a mass migration of U.S. consumers who happen to be in the military and in his immediate vicinity sometime in the near future. “I’m no fortune teller,” said Khadem while switching out plastic discs in his computer drive, […]
PATUXENT RIVER NAVAL AIR STATION, Md.—The U.S. Navy RQ-4A surveillance drone shot down on Thursday was “just days away from retirement,” according to several people with knowledge of the matter. The move comes as tensions between Iran and the United States, which have been strained for decades, escalated. Iran reportedly attempted to shoot down another […]
SAN DIEGO—Special Warfare Operator Chief Edward Gallagher, a quiet professional accused of murdering a prisoner of war and other innocents, humbly rode in his friend’s old white Ford Bronco to his trial this week. The Bronco, which was purchased at an auction years ago in southern California, is indicative of Gallagher’s simple lifestyle and mild […]
By Senator Tad Raskill (I-Ill.) President Trump has called for upgrades to our existing nuclear warheads as well as production of new nuclear weapons. This is a mistake. America should not produce any new nuclear weapons until we have used the ones currently in our stockpile. To that end, I’m calling today for the immediate […]