Hangin' on Posco Pier!
AUSTIN, Texas — Retired Navy Adm. William McRaven offered a defense of millennials in a viral video uploaded to TikTok on Monday, sources confirmed today. In the video, which features music from Ed Sheeran in the background, McRaven can be seen performing a handstand and saying that he’s “the biggest fan of millennials you’ll ever […]
CAMP ARMSTRONG, The Moon – Countless back-and-forth shuttle convoys have become the norm as troopers take on the herculean task of standing up the first Space Force moon base. To better prepare future space troopers, pioneers from the First Brigade Space Combat Team (1BSCT) have offered their valuable observations and tips on their workhorse transport […]
PENTAGON — Long rumored tensions came to a head as the CH-47 Chinook Helicopter confronted the U.S. Army after discovering suggestive text messages on the Army’s phone, sources confirmed today. The Chinook referenced an exchange that included a Snapchat video of the CH-53 Super Stallion (a name experts believe is clearly overcompensating for something) loading […]
MINOT, N.D. – After reviewing its Thrift Savings Plan statement and a growing pile of maintenance bills, a B-52 bomber broke down, realizing it would likely never be able to retire, sources confirmed today. The B-52, known officially as the “Stratofortress” but colloquially as “BUFF” (for Big Ugly Fat Fucker), first flew in 1952 and […]
The following is a point/counterpoint article. The point will be given by the First Baptist Church Women’s Group, and the counterpoint will be given by adult film star Mia Khalifa. Point: Our beloved servicemembers need all our love and support, and it’s our Christian and patriotic duty to help them however we can! One thing […]
CAMP DWYER, Afghanistan — A Marine infantryman scrambled to link up with his squad after his parents refused to insert him at a hot landing, sources confirmed today. Pfc. Martin Sikorsky pushed out on a QRF mission for the ANA his unit is training when his parents became concerned about the state of the LZ. […]
By: Sgt Daniel Marks Look, I get it. You love the Army and you want to bring everything about it into your daily life. I’ve been there. When I was in high school I got way into “Trainspotting” and started calling my friends “mates.” I was like 14, but whatever, I’m not here to judge. […]
WASHINGTON — The next Commandant of the Marine Corps has announced that the first policy he’ll instate when he takes the helm this summer is to bring back the beloved tradition of rolling trouser legs. “From the Halls of Montezuma to the Shores of Tripoli, Marines have proudly rolled their pantaloons on many a foreign […]
LANGLEY — Central Intelligence Agent Richard Penis has been reassigned to administrative duty after a woman compromised his secret identity by trespassing on CIA headquarters and requesting to speak with him, sources confirmed today. The woman, who demanded that Agent Penis return her ID, claims to have been unaware that she was blowing Penis’s cover. […]
SAN DIEGO, Calif. — A group of sailors preparing to enter the Rear Admiral Gentleman’s Club were reminded by Command Master Chief Petty Officer Michael Tubbins on Saturday evening to “clap like Mike Pence is speaking,” — referencing the primal sexual energy typically elicited by the vice president’s remarks, sources confirmed today. The sailors, who […]