Hangin' on Posco Pier!
ST. LOUIS— Charlotte High School graduate Devin Jaskot will soon enter the Coast Guard’s Officer Candidate School this July for the sole reason of bossing around his fat piece of shit stepdad, Petty Officer 1st Class Carl Barnes, sources confirmed today. Jaskot’s mother married Barnes in 2016 with much protest from Jaskot. Despite his claims […]
MERRITT ISLAND, Fla. — Military commanders have barred potential Space Force members from engaging in any liberty activities outside of Earth’s atmosphere, sources confirmed today. The decision came after several hours of deliberation between key military leaders at the Pentagon. Expert testimony on the issues included representatives from the National Aeronautics and Space Administration, Air […]
SAN DIEGO — The commanding officer of Marine Corps Recruit Depot San Diego, Brig. Gen. Ryan Heritage, announced today that the Marine Corps is adding a new fifth phase to recruit training. The goal of fifth phase is to re-instill discipline after fourth phase, which was rolled out last year. Headquarters Marine Corps implemented fourth […]
ISENGARD, Middle-earth — Shortly after revealing that Palantir would be implementing the new Army intelligence system, the service announced a partnership today with stalwart ally and pillar of the intelligence community, Saruman the White. Head of Palantir’s defense business Doug Philppone praised the move. “We were just thrilled for the opportunity to take the reins […]
PENTAGON — A Marine officer recently stirred up controversy by suggesting that Marines employ the use of LSD in current warfighting engagements and Pentagon officials are considering turning to the novel approach, sources confirmed today. LSD, or dock landing ship, is a transport ship capable of carrying a complement of 400 Marines and several amphibious […]
LASHKAR GAH, Afghanistan — Gesturing the “peace” sign and telling fellow fighters that he was “totally done with this insurgent stuff, man,” hippie Taliban defector Ahmad Khan got incredibly stoned, sources confirmed today. “Bro, did you ever just think, like, what are we doing it all for?” asked the totally lit former IED maker seconds […]
RENTON, Wash. — The Navy is investigating a potential “sweet deal” to increase its fleet of P-8 aircraft, sources confirmed today. The Navy’s P-8 Poseidon, an invaluable asset in submarine detection, is a modified Boeing 737 aircraft. The Boeing 737 Max has recently come under intense scrutiny and grounded for equipment failure following a string […]
WASHINGTON — Members of the Pentagon Press Corps announced a $3 million GoFundMe campaign to raise money to find, locate, and recover missing senior Department of Defense officials by featuring their photographs on milk cartons in the District of Columbia-Maryland-Virginia metropolitan area, sources confirmed today. Last week marked the 300th day since a Pentagon spokesperson […]
Washington, D.C. — Newly promoted Col. Bob Dole has been immediately flagged as non-deployable following a review of his official personnel file, a spokesperson from Human Resources Command confirmed today. This action comes on the heels of legislation, co-sponsored by Viagra manufacturer Pfizer, promoting the former senator and presidential candidate. “We really appreciated the assistance […]
Getting rejected from job after job can be frustrating. So when the US Army found out that 35 year-old Craig Foley had been fired from every job he ever had, they stepped up and gave him a job wielding absolute power over life and death! Wow! Talk about selfless service! Although most Americans are enjoying […]