Hangin' on Posco Pier!
We’ve all been there — standing around formation, smoking, joking, putting your hands in your pockets, not realizing that you’re about to get called for urinalysis. Should you have gone to get a wax last night instead of playing video games and drinking Monster? Probably, but now you’re going to have to show off that […]
NEW YORK CITY – A Marvel spokesperson confirmed today that recently released “Avengers: End Game” featured a post-credits scene of Captain America killing himself outside a Department of Veterans Affairs facility in downtown New York. The popular franchise character had been the center of numerous rumors about his mental state following Thanos’ cull in “Avengers: […]
WASHINGTON — The Department of Veterans Affairs announced today that they would release a new white noise app to help veterans with insomnia go back to the last place they felt safe, secure, and ready to drift into four hours of fitful sleep. “We found that when these service members were serving, they could sleep […]
QUANTICO, Va. — Brig. Gen. Arthur J. Pasagian, commander of Marine Corps Systems Command, announced today that all Joint Tactical Vehicles (JLTVs), the replacement for the Humvee, would be deadlined across the service after field testing revealed a dangerous defect with their cassette decks. This decision comes after reports that cassette tape decks in new […]
WASHINGTON — The Army has approved a new background option for portraits and DA photos, Sergeant Major of the Army Dan Dailey announced today. The background, officially titled “Background, Photographic, #88, Totally Fly,” features a criss-crossed network of luminescent pink and azure laser beams set against a subdued field of midnight blue. Dailey conveyed his […]
FORT BRAGG, N.C. – The Army Criminal Investigation Division is investigating an Army officer’s apparent disappearance into a visiting professor’s rectal area in a case of extreme ingratiation gone awry, sources confirm today. Capt. Dexter Edwards disappeared during a reception held after the 3rd Brigade, 82d Airborne Division hosted University of North Carolina political science […]
The Marine Corps published a strategic document today that predicts future alcohol-related incidents will be caused primarily by near-peer pressure. “We need to think beyond the small-scale drinking incidents of the past 20 years of counterinsurgency and start looking at major intoxicating threats,” reads a forward from Commandant of the Marine Corps Gen. Robert Neller. […]
NOTRE DAME, Ind. — Students at the University of Notre Dame witnessed a spectacular display today as they looked up into the sky —thousands of paratroopers rained over the campus before securing the area for none other than the commander-in-chief, sources confirmed. “Most of us just stopped in our tracks and stared,” said one student. […]
PENSACOLA, Fla. — After a gut-wrenching selection process, Ensign Pierce A. Stinkfeld was chosen as a student naval aviator, sources confirmed today. Stinkfeld, who graduated last year from the University of Missouri with a double major in flatology and ungulate digestion, was also enrolled in Naval ROTC where he received rank honors. “I’ve been preparing […]
NORFOLK, Va. — A veteran found himself in an predicament when it came time to pay for his traditional wing combo after a group lunch break at the local Buffalo Wild Wings — he did not have a USAA card, sources confirmed today. Navy veteran Phil Cohen watched in utter humiliation as coworker after coworker […]