Hangin' on Posco Pier!
FAYETTEVILLE, N.C. — A Special Forces soldier is in serious but stable condition in his team room this morning after a cougar attack in a Fayetteville bar last night, sources confirmed today. Staff Sgt. Grant Anderson, a twenty-four-year-old junior weapons sergeant in 3rd Special Forces Group (Airborne), was walking out of the Tap House bathroom in […]
Due to a variety of policy changes, the U.S. military is witnessing a drastic rise in the number of adult male dependents. While conducting studies about how to best serve this previously overlooked demographic, the Department of Defense has discovered an entirely new sub-classification of the species: the “dudependa.” The dudependa shares many traits with […]
PHOENIX, Ariz. – Overcome by congressional inquiries, bad press, and the smell of decaying bodies in its waiting rooms, the Veterans Health Administration released a statement today telling veterans to use self-aid and buddy-aid before attempting to make a doctor’s appointment. “We figured out that we didn’t need to improve our processes or hire more […]
PENTAGON – “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell,” the controversial policy that formally prohibited military members from openly discussing their sexual orientation, will now block any talk of the keto diet, acting Defense Secretary Patrick M. Shanahan announced today. “While it is every service member’s right to follow whatever diet their heart leads them to, it is for […]
FORT RUCKER, Ala. — U.S. Army Aviation Medical Command has elected to include “basically 6 feet” as a height option on the AH-64 Apache flight physical in a move heralded as long overdue within the Apache helicopter community, sources confirmed today. The move will be instituted in the coming weeks and was met with general […]
NORFOLK, Va. — A vocational warfighter who completed some mandatory training is ready to shoulder the burden of defending the American people, sources confirmed today. Boatswain’s Mate First Class Drake Washington has devoted the past nine years of his life to honing his person into a lethal instrument of justice, spending a conservative estimate of […]
ARCTIC SEA — The Coast Guard icebreaker USCGC Polar Star achieved a world first by drawing a sea penis north of the Arctic Circle, sources confirmed today. “This thing was huge. I’m talking huge. Easily bigger than any wimpy looking sky penis out there. You can see it from space. That’s right. Space. We’ve tagged […]
AL HAWL, Syria – Nour Muhammad, who made headlines when she left America to marry an ISIS fighter, arrived in Al Hawl today after cleaning out her husband’s bank account and sending him a “Dear Abdul” letter. “He’s been deployed in Raqqa fighting the infidels for nearly five weeks. I couldn’t take another second alone,” […]
By Sgt. Steven Mode, flight equipment technician Sometimes things in life are the same, and other times things are different. One thing that is the same for me everywhere is wacking it. On a train or in Bahrain, on a float or off the boat, masturbating is about the same wherever I go. Sure, sometimes […]
WASHINGTON – The Pentagon released today the official lineup of planned U.S. wars through the year 2030. Policymakers state that the primary goal of the project, known as the ‘Murican Combat Upsurge (MCU), is to regenerate public excitement over the military industrial complex. “We haven’t had a real, classic blockbuster war since World War II,” […]