Hangin' on Posco Pier!
MUSHROOM KINGDOM – King Bowser plans to withdraw his airship fleet from World 7 after plumbers Mario and Luigi delivered the koopa king numerous setbacks, sources confirmed today. “We’ve won victory after victory, from Bob-omb battlefield to the Donut Plains, all the way to Yoshi’s Island. This war has been going on since 1985, and […]
GREENBELT, Md — With claims that sound suspiciously similar to a recent incident at a Home Depot in Kansas, jailed Coast Guard Lt. Christopher Hasson now claims “plotting domestic terrorism” is how he describes going to the bathroom, sources confirmed today. “Lieutenant Hasson’s arrest is system overreach of the highest order,” Hasson’s lawyer, Julie Stelzig, […]
CAMP HUMPHREYS, Korea – Alpha Company soldiers and military police are still searching for 2nd Lt. Trevor Senseman after he reportedly ordered the brigade command sergeant major to stand at the position of attention before addressing him, sources confirmed today. “No one has seen or heard from him in three days,” said Capt. Andrew Upshaw, […]
FORT JACKSON, SC — The U.S. Army marked the opening of the Klobuchar Center of Excellence today with a ribbon-cutting ceremony at Fort Jackson’s Drill Sergeant School. The facility, named after Minnesota Sen. Amy Klobuchar, will provide the Army’s drill sergeant school a facility to “better instruct candidates on leadership, mental health awareness, and the handling […]
DUNN, N.C. — Moments after setting fire to a statue of World War II veteran Maj. Gen. William C. Lee, which he mistook for a statue of Confederate Gen. Robert E. Lee, a local vandal was unable to find any statues of Confederate warrant officers to deface, sources confirmed today. “I don’t see any warrant […]
WASHINGTON – Pentagon leaders started a swear jar to defray potential losses after President Donald Trump declared a national emergency to fund parts of a wall on the U.S. border with Mexico and donations have far exceeded projections, sources confirmed today. What began as a way to prevent cutting military construction projects quickly turned into […]
TWENTYNINE PALMS, Calif. — Marines from 1st Battalion 7th Marine Regiment are determined not to have any incidents this weekend after their battalion commander urged them to “do the right thing” at his weekly liberty brief, sources confirmed today. Lt. Col. Mark Branfield’s remarks normally focus on training highlights from the past week and implicit […]
DES MOINES — Despite a class-action lawsuit victory for combat veterans against 3M for selling earplugs they knew did not work, local judge Michael Lois will not hear the case of an individual soldier who is almost completely deaf, sources confirmed today. “Hearing loss is a natural part of aging, and I see no evidence […]
BAGRAM, Afghanistan — Deployed soldiers found the preserved remains of a prehistoric staff officer frozen in a remote Conex box on Bagram Airfield, noting that the discovery may revolutionize the budding scientific field of “Slideology,” sources confirmed today. Soldiers stumbled upon the fossil, which they believe belongs to the species uselessum majoris, while exploring a section […]
WEST POINT, N.Y. – The United States Military Academy at West Point announced today that all academy sports teams, previously known as the “Black Knights,” are re-named the “Black Mold” in solidarity with Army families suffering from the deadly spores in military quarters. The re-naming is a reaction to recent Congressional inquiries into the deteriorating […]