Hangin' on Posco Pier!
In an attempt to reduce the weight carried by already overburdened infantryman, the Marine Corps announced today that it would seek to reduce troops’ combat loads by recruiting fewer wussies. “Studies by the Marine Corps Warfighting Lab and Center for Naval Analyses have shown that we can greatly decrease injury rates by reducing the number […]
TWENTYNINE PALMS, Calif. – A hazing scandal has rocked the Marine Corps Air Ground Combat Center after multiple reports of inappropriate treatment towards junior Marines, sources confirmed today. The alleged perpetrators, a group of lance corporals with 3rd Battalion, 4th Marines, maintain their innocence, citing their solemn duty as non-commissioned officers to train their Marines. […]
WASHINGTON — Thousands of male reservists have submitted temporary duty (TDY) request packets to the Space Force for assignment on the moon in an attempt to avoid their wives, sources confirmed today. The rush of TDY requests have skyrocketed since March 2018 when President Donald Trump announced the creation of the nation’s newest military branch. […]
QUANTICO, Va. — A Marine lieutenant at The Basic School set a record for the land navigation course while conducting the exercise blindfolded during the Bird Box challenge, sources confirm today. 2nd Lt. Aston Boger from Fort Worth, Texas, completed the day land navigation course — which requires newly commissioned lieutenants to move to a series […]
LOS ANGELES — The California National Guard declassified a top secret cryptologic program today that played a significant role in the wars in Iraq, Afghanistan, and Syria. The Bro-Code Talkers schoolhouse was established in 2008 on UCLA’s fraternity row after the Army expressed a need to develop greater cryptologic defenses in the face of rising great […]
By a grunt I don’t mean to be disrespectful. I’ve been in for three years, and I understand the chain of command as well as customs and courtesies. But who the hell told general officers to always put their hands on their hips whenever they open their soup-coolers? What does that signal? When I put […]
WASHINGTON — The Navy announced today the creation of a new career track to help with its large urinalysis test backlog: meat gazer. The new Navy occupational specialty will require sailors to keep an eye on the wieners of service members as they urinate into collection cups during drug tests. “Meat gazing was historically a low-level […]
ALLEPO, Syria – An angry and tearful Syria informed the international community today that it is most definitely pregnant, the result of a late pull-out by the U.S. after a long intercourse, sources confirmed today. Syria’s news followed a White House announcement that as a result of an agreement with Turkey, the U.S. will withdraw […]
BERING SEA — A disgruntled humpback whale returning from his migration journey has reportedly flipped the Coast Guard Cutter Munro ‘the fin’ in response to a near miss with the large sea mammal, sources confirm today. “Learn how to sail you fuckin’ psychos,” said the 40-year old sea mammal, acknowledging that he has not seen […]
Days after President Donald Trump announced he would be pulling all U.S. troops out of Syria, a Marine first sergeant on the ground has refused to let any of them leave until “every swingin’ dick” has filled out their leave chits, sources confirmed today. “Hold on there, motivators. No one’s going anywhere until you all […]