Hangin' on Posco Pier!
KABUL — The U.S. military has quietly built a helipad on the roof of its embassy in Afghanistan, sources confirmed today. The pad was recently completed with no announcement made by either the State Department or the Islamic Emirate of Afghanistan, which is scheduled to be the future tenant of the embassy in Nov. 2019 […]
MACDILL AIR FORCE BASE, Fla. — Some jerk who didn’t mute his phone completely disrupted a major Central Command teleconference designed to finally win the war on terror, sources confirmed today. The mouth breather failed to press a simple brightly-colored mute button despite the conference organizer’s pleas for “anyone who’s not talking, mute your mic,” […]
KABUL, Afghanistan — Afghan President Ashraf Ghani issued a public call today for the U.S. to take action on the feral drones marauding the skies of eastern Afghanistan. “When they escape these drones roost in our mountains and attack our vehicles and machinery,” Ghani said. “If the U.S. is serious about rebuilding the country for […]
WASHINGTON — Retired Marine Gen. John F. Kelly was relieved to relieve White House Chief of Staff John Kelly of duty, sources confirmed today. Kelly will depart by the end of the year. Kelly, who in the past honorably served as a Marine and was also the Department of Homeland Security Secretary for a couple […]
MACDILL AFB — One nonprofit has gone above and beyond to help dying military retirees make one last trip to their favorite place before they die — the base commissary. Serving Love for Our Warriors, or SLOW, has raised over $12,000 in coupons and gathered over 300 volunteers to help retirees get back to the […]
CARMEL, Ind. – Third grade teacher Kasie Spyker woke up after a long-awaited kidney transplant dying for a cold Monster and fresh can of Skoal after receiving an organ from an infantryman, sources at Methodist Hospital confirmed today. Spyker, who had been suffering from lupus and on a strict diet of fresh foods her entire […]
NOGALES, Ariz. — U.S. service members deployed to the U.S.-Mexico border are winning Hearts at an unprecedented level, embedded journalists within the task force have learned. The troops, who have been on the mission since October, have now won hundreds of Hearts — and Spades — one round at a time. “We’re trying to take […]
TIJUANA, Mexico — A massive caravan of illegal strippers heading to the U.S.-Mexico border was stopped at the border by a deployment of U.S. soldiers with engagement rings, sources confirm today. The strippers, most of whom were from South America, had joined the annual march to the U.S. border seeking asylum at one of the […]
SANTA’S WORKSHOP — The North Pole is in the midst of a readiness crisis as it struggles to fill its pilot ranks with qualified reindeer, who are leaving the service in record numbers to work at commercial sleighlines, sources confirmed today. Santa Claus claims he has only 75 percent of the deerpower he needs to […]
ARLINGTON, Va. — After weeks of neck-and-neck voting, Charles “Wide Neck” McDowell has pulled ahead of adult film actress Riley Reid as the most requested USO star for an upcoming international tour, sources confirmed today. Service members from throughout the military placed more than 645,000 votes for McDowell and 320,000 for Reid this month following […]