Hangin' on Posco Pier!
FORT MEADE, Md. — U.S. Cyber Command released details today of its plan to discharge millions of dick pics on Chinese networks in America’s first authorized offensive cyberattack. The plan is a severe departure from earlier senior leader discussions. The original version involved Cyber Command forcing itself onto Chinese servers, shutting down the economy, and setting […]
WASHINGTON — The Department of Veterans Affairs announced a plan today to curb non-veteran unemployment by hiring personal friends and family members into vacant positions. The move comes after news broke last month that the VA currently has 45,000 unfilled positions across the country. Recruitment efforts to fill those positions are moving forward at a […]
PENTAGON – Secretary of the Air Force Heather Wilson announced today that the Air Force would limit future rotations to Afghanistan to a three-hour tour with free lunch. “These exotic tours should hit peak efficiency by limiting Air Force personnel to groups of five or so. The limited duration will keep burnout low and enthusiasm […]
BAGRAM, Afghanistan – A military contractor has nearly returned from his sixth year in Afghanistan, but despite his worn American flag patch hat, near constant operational name drops, and almost-muscular physique, he has never actually served in the military, sources confirm today. Mark Snufflepuff has never let that stop him, though, pushing the boundaries of what […]
WASHINGTON — A visibly annoyed Air Force called a sailor’s decision to pay for a full-sleeve tattoo financially irresponsible, adding with just a hint of disdain that this sort of extravagant spending is to blame for the Defense Department’s slew of budgetary woes, sources confirmed today. “One thousand, two hundred and eighty dollars for some […]
WASHINGTON — A light drizzle in Kandahar has prompted the president to cancel the war in Afghanistan, according to a white house press conference. Weather forecasts were optimistic at first, saying that the rain was going to pass within a few hours, but it soon became clear that the inclement weather wasn’t going anywhere. “At first, […]
DONNA, Texas — Many U.S. Army spouses and their extramarital lovers are rejoicing following the deployment of their partners to the Mexican Border in support of border security operations, according to reports. This past Monday marked the first official day of the recently launched operation, a measure the Department of Defense is taking to “strengthen […]
JACKSONVILLE, Fla. – A reconnaissance Marine who graduated at the top of his Marine Corps sniper class has found an insurmountable challenge in the most unexpected place – Coast Guard sniper school, sources confirmed today. Sgt. Charles Handcock, a 28-year-old Arkansas native, failed to successfully complete the school for the Coast Guard’s Precision Marksman Observer Team […]
SAN ANTONIO, Texas — In response to rising border tensions, President Donald Trump has ordered the National Guard and some active duty units to defend the Alamo against the incoming migrant caravan. “There is no way we are letting the Mexicans win this time,” said Trump of his 15,000-man force crammed into the five acre […]
BOULDER, Colo. — A local veteran was seen shaking his head in disbelief at the number of years that have passed before he reached the crystal clear conclusion that he needs to murder the shit out of some innocent civilians minding their own business, sources confirmed today. “It’s so obvious now, I’m really actually quite embarrassed,” […]