Hangin' on Posco Pier!
ALBANY, N.Y. – While most elderly people plan for relaxation and travel during their retirement years, one federal employee at the Department of Veterans Affairs is settling in for the long haul, sources confirmed today. Gertrude Smith, well into her nineties, will not retire anytime soon despite doing absolutely no work for the past 6 […]
HELMAND, Afghanistan — A smart bomb has been used to destroy something that costs more than a smart bomb for the first time since the introduction of precision-guided munitions in 1968, sources confirmed today. U.S. forces employed Hellfire laser-guided missiles to destroy five Taliban gun trucks as they prepared to attack Musa Qala, a district center in Helmand Province, […]
FORT BENNING, Ga. – They say that when you become an airborne ranger, it’s for life! This airborne ranger took it ALL THE WAY when he refused to accept a life-saving blood transfusion from a dirty, dirty leg, sources confirmed today. Hooah! Army Spc. Ryan Collins, a graduate of the U.S. ARMY AIRBORNE SCHOOL, was […]
WASHINGTON — The Department of Defense is granting a $3 billion contract to Green Beans Coffee to complete the construction of 2,000 locations along the border. The move, which was announced today by Secretary of Defense James Mattis, may signal that U.S. troops will remain at the border longer than originally anticipated. Troop conditions along the […]
WASHINGTON — Despite failing the first audit in its over 70 year history, the Pentagon is being promoted to the rank of hexagon in a move that surprised few but angers many, sources confirmed today. The promotion comes after the completion of a year-long audit where the Department of Defense passed only five of 21 […]
WASHINGTON – Legislators, members of the press, and hearing attendees were stunned today when a general’s jaw fell apart during testimony in front of the Senate Armed Services Committee after a career of talking out of both sides of his mouth. The fracture came on the heels of the general saying, “We remain an agile […]
If you didn’t see it yourself, today’s five paragraph mission plan delivered by 2nd Lt. Smith was an absolute doozy. Here are ten of the most outrageous comments, annotated by SAW gunner PFC Ryan Joseph. 1. “Hey men, how’s everyone doing?” It has been well documented that Smith gives 0.0 fucks about anyone in this […]
Turkey Prime Minister Gobbler has announced his plans for unconditional surrender to Gen. Santa Clausewitz of the Christmas Empire after many decades of frigid winter combat in North America, sources confirm today. First declared in 1959, the War on Christmas began as internal strife. However, after the experienced General Clausewitz eventually gained control of the […]
A comprehensive study released today of all motor pools, supply shops, and personnel stations in the Army concludes that every single warrant officer in the service remains totally and infuriatingly useless. The main finding comes without great surprise, but a key observation has raised concerns that warrant officers may in fact waste resources and reduce […]
The following is an opinion piece by the disabled veteran whose service dog you are about to pet despite the clearly printed warning against that on his harness. Pay no attention to the large embroidered letters that read “SERVICE DOG: DO NOT PET” on my dog’s blood red vest. I want you to pet Max. […]