Month: October 2018

THE DUFFEL BLOG PRESENTS: Your CrossFit WOD


You’ve been asking for it, and now its here. The Duffel Blog has finally become part of the grind, and we are proud to introduce our own CrossFit hero line-up. These routines are named after military members who died performing CrossFit at their local boxes. The workouts of the day (WODs) are the very workouts […]

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Retiring E-9 shocked to discover private sector has no seats at table for abrasive, stupid people who stay around for long enough


CAMP COURTNEY, Okinawa — Retiring Headquarters Battalion Sgt. Maj. Joe Perkins expressed outrage and disgust on the hallowed literary digest LinkedIn over the lack of high-pay, high-power jobs available for veterans with no discernible skills aside from interrupting loudly and expressing themselves incoherently, sources confirmed today. Perkins elaborated to reporters on the lack for opportunity for “real […]

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Afghan bodyguard seems like real straight-shooter


KANDAHAR, Afghanistan — An Afghan bodyguard seems like “a real straight-shooter,” sources reported today, adding that the professional guardian’s steely-eyed, thousand-yard stare brings a tide of warmth and comfort to the officials he protects. Khalil Rahmati, a Kandahar native, was recently appointed to the security detail of Lt. Gen. Omar Abboud, a critical figure in […]

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SEAL ostracized by teams after passing drug test


CORONADO, Calif. – A local Navy SEAL has found himself in hot water with others in the special warfare community after he passed a recent drug test, officials confirmed today. Chief Petty Officer Special Warfare Operator Kyle McCleary, a 15-year veteran of the SEALs, was ordered to take the urinalysis as part of a Navy-wide […]

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Senator proudly cites DNA test to prove he’s nearly 1 percent veteran


BOSTON — Massachusetts Democratic Sen. Dickard Rosenthal has released the results of genetic testing to add legitimacy to his claim that he is “basically a veteran” and “should be treated as such”. The DNA test shows that he has a distant grandparent that may have possibly fought in the Thirty Years War, the French Revolution, […]

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Taliban declare ceasefire until Ariana Grande and Pete Davidson get back together


AFGHANISTAN — The Taliban insurgency, internationally known for waging a brutal nearly two decade war with the U.S., announced they would be suspending all combat operations until pop singer Ariana Grande got back together with recently separated boyfriend Pete Davidson, sources confirmed today “I don’t know how we can be expected to work under these […]

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Army sergeant’s steampunk top hat springs class III leak in formation


FORT LEONARD WOOD, Mo. – Army Sgt. Pennyworth Montgomery’s notably complex steampunk top hat sprung a class III leak in the middle of morning formation, sources confirmed today. “I noticed it immediately,” said Spc. Christie Jones. “One moment the steam whistle puffed away gentle bursts of vapor to release pressure. In the next, there was clear […]

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STDs get tested for sailors


PHUKET, Thailand — Sexually transmitted diseases have been racing to nearby clinics to get checked for sailors in an effort to curb a spate of recent outbreaks, sources confirmed today. The outbreaks come after a group of U.S. Navy ships made a stop at a port in Thailand and released sailors out into the public, […]

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The untold story behind the name of the US Army Special Operations Command


The following is an excerpt from the personal journal of Lt. Gen. William Yarbrough (1912-2013), reprinted by Duffel Blog with permission from the Green Beret Association. So here it was, June of 1998, and the Pentagon made the decision that they wanted all the Army Special Operations components under one unit umbrella. They had pretty much […]

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Pentagon worries that plunging morale might affect morale


Nevertheless, many service members remain skeptical that conditions will improve anytime soon.

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