Hangin' on Posco Pier!
MEXICO CITY — Speaking to reporters at his Día de los Muertos press conference, the Grim Reaper confirmed that he will dress as U.S. Secretary of Defense James Mattis when he goes trick or treating with his daughter this Halloween. “I’m a huge fan,” the spiritual embodiment of death told reporters today. “I think the […]
PARIS — Walter Benson, a retired BOLT-117 laser-guided bomb, came crashing through the ceiling of the Louvre in Paris as part of a laser-guided tour of Europe, sources confirmed today. “At about 1:48 AM yesterday, the first explosion happened in the level-one ceiling over Italian paintings,” said Jean-Luc Martinez, president of the Louvre. “It was […]
WASHINGTON — Sagacious officers across all branches of the armed forces are only indulging in five rosewater scones per day on the average, according to a report released today. The 14-page study, published in this month’s issue of online food journal “Gastronomica”, shows that the palates of our nation’s leaders have changed dramatically over the last […]
WASHINGTON — The Office of the Chief of Staff of the Army has issued a new All-Army Activities message, or ALARACT, empowering military police with punitive authority to issue monetary citations for infractions of Army regulations such as uniform wear and appearance, hair, grooming, and height-and-weight standards, sources confirmed today. Local military police detachments are now […]
WASHINGTON — US forces reportedly did stuff in Afghanistan or something in an attack on whomever in some place in whatever province, sources confirmed today. Gen. He’s Lying To You praised the operation, telling reporters that this was the most effective use of munition that hasn’t been effective since the Gulf War. “We were absolutely […]
FORT BRAGG, N.C. — Army leaders directed a non-commissioned officer to medical screening for a traumatic brain injury after he advocated for soldiers and displayed compassion to fellow human beings, sources confirmed today.All Posts Colleagues grew concerned last month when they witnessed Sgt. Andrew Hawthorne having rational conversations at a reasonable volume with lower-ranking service […]
“This is totally unfair,” said Maj. Richard “Kinda” Small
PANAMA CITY, Panama — A Virginia-based U.S. Coast Guard crew recently became a helping hand for an adorable sea creature needing help. The USCG Cutter Bear’s crew was on routine patrol in the eastern Pacific Ocean when they spotted a fully-grown Navy SEAL entangled in a mass of lines, garbage and abandoned GovX gear, sources […]
WASHINGTON — The Air Force announced today that it would no longer require recruits to become baptized Christians in order to graduate basic training following yet another bout of criticism over bias from Air Force leaders who identify as evangelicals. Secretary of the Air Force Heather Wilson addressed the change in policy in a press conference at […]
WEST POINT, N.Y. – From the moment he stepped onto, as he calls it, Apron 9 ¾, West Point Fourth Classman Blaise Boodlesworthy has been waiting for the end of beast barracks when he heard the cadets will gather in Eisenhower Hall under the watchful portraits of many headmaster generals to be sorted in their […]